1. Today, even though I hate my job, I am leaving my job, I don't give a damn about my job- I did my job incredibly well.  I gave the Lorraine the registrar, Lorraine the editor in chief, Lorraine the Foreign Affairs Intern, Lorraine the aspiring equestrian effort that I give to things I care about.  I worked HARD, and I mean, skipped lunch, sweat into my work kind of hard. I was given an absolutely ridiculous task at 11:30 today, and I finished it at 10pm tonight.  I stayed until it was done, because that was how my Dad taught me to work. I remember us driving up the road to the ranch on the weekends and Dad would drive past a tractor stopped in the middle of the field in mid-plow and he would say "why would you ever stop in the middle of a field? Why wouldn't you finish the row? Why wouldn't you finish the field? These guys look their watch and say 'ayep, it's 5 o'clock, gotta gets me up to Birch Creek Bar.' That's why these guys are never going to do any better than break even." 

Now I wouldn't dare say that I have always followed this council, because I'm not sure anyone is as good at finishing what they start as my Dad is.  But today, I did what I was asked to, and did it at my best performance level I could offer.

 

2. Last weekend, I finally was able to replace the ring that my sister Aimee gave me for my 18th birthday. It was my favorite ring that could not be compared to in any form, until one day in my Senior year of college, I took it off for Ceramics, and that was the last time I ever saw it.  I have literally been sick to my stomach about it for years, because the ring represents a certain bond Aimee and I have, and also a shared sense of independence and well being.  So ever since that day, I have been looking for the ring that would replace it.  (Aimee says its ok to replace things and think of them as the first thing, so I hope this counts, too.)  I ended up finding it at the Tibetan Shop in Adams Morgan, easily my most favorite place to shop in Washington. The owners are people I consider friends, who know me and what things I like.  The husband's photography hangs above my bed, and the wife's jewelry around my neck.  So this weekend, there appeared the perfect shiny silver ring with a bright red stone.  It's a near perfect match to the lost friend, but with a little foreign life all its own, as if it were the old ring, but like me, a little smarter, a little more weathered.  Moreover, it gave me the chance to say goodbye to friends, whose lives have permanently intertwined with mine.

 

3. On the way home from my atrocious day, I was faced with either waiting 17 minutes for my usual train, or risking trying to hop connecting trains through the city.  I took the risk. I had to run, I had to dart between people, I had to accept the risk that it would actually take me LONGER to get home, but not only did it pay off, I liked myself more at the end of it.  It reminded me of me.

 

4. And finally tonight, on my way home, I looked up and saw a single beaming star in the sky. The city and monument lights of Washington drown out almost all the stars, but this guy was beaming, not twinkling, which actually meant that it was Jupiter.  I knew it immediately, from years of ranch sky lessons- bundling up in the frigid air of desert nights in Utah, 8,000 feet above the ocean, and looking at the brilliance of the night sky uninterrupted by the electric distractions of men.  My whole family would take these nylon blue cots out and lie on our backs with indian blankets and slippers and mom would help us pick out constellations and tell us their stories while dad would find planets in his telescope for us to look. I loved seeing the planets in that little lense, but nothing enraptured me like the scale and scope of the thick strip of the wings of the Milky Way. I couldn't believe you could really SEE it, like a wool cinch on a black pony, it was in my mind a glue that held the universe together.  It was my own mythology. 

And now, even while I can only see that single glutonous planet, even as the Glamours of Washington drown out the brilliance of everything above and beyond it, I am completely confident that what I can't see is still there, assured in what it means to me, and faithful that I will see it again in all its splendor, soon. 

Piece by piece, I am getting myself back, and better than before. 

i looked at fat jupiter from the patio over the san marcos valley at twilight tonight too. i also thought about those wonderful starlit nights with you little girls at the ranch. such beautiful memories, and now new adventures to come! love you and proud of you~

I left the ranch this morning at 4:00 am. There was frost on the windsield a a nip in the air. There was no moon and the sky was black and as dark as a three mile deep coal mine. Today was one of 2 days in which the earth passed through one of the most prolific meteor belts in earths orbit. Perfect for star gazing. Looked like the Gods where shooting their arrows at each other. One thing for sure. The planets and stars will always fill the sky for your viewing pleasure. The nylon cots are in the barn if you find the ground to cold!!! As for the tractor lesson. Well I am glad that I can take credit for teaching you something. Tractors and dirt fields are pretty much my area of expertise. Actully I never left my tractor in the middle of the field cause it was too far to walk back to the barn. Good job at the Civil War Trust. They will realize very soon how much you did for them. What is most important is that you know how much you did for them. It is what goes on in your head that counts, not theirs. It took me 11 hours to drive to California today. I have all your Utah furniture in the trailer. Will work till 2 in the morning setting up your apr then walk out and see if we can see the stars. Love you, dad